I am 54 years old. I have suffered from depression and anxiety all of my life…since I was about 3 years old. Part of it is because I was sexually abused by my step father for a number of years until I was 17.
But I can remember at 3 years old looking in the mirror and feeling worthless…feeling ugly and unwanted…unloved. I went to a counselor and she regressed me back to when I was either 6 or 9 years old…and I remembered and encounter in a dirt basement with my step father…and I was terrified because it was a dirt basement and I am very afraid of spiders.
I have been married for 36 years (since I was 18 years old). I had 2 children in that time and a hysterectomy at the age of 28. So not being on any meds and going through my change of life at 28 was a very terrible time in my life. I can look back now and see all the mistakes I made raising my children…but I had to do the best I could because my husband was never there for them.
About 10 years ago I started researching on the internet…cuz nobody would tell me what was wrong with me. I discovered I was suffering from depression and I got meds for that. But it didn’t stop there. I have been afraid of people all of my life. If I had to go somewhere, I would get sick to my stomach and almost throw up. I researched more on the internet and discovered I was also suffering my severe anxiety. I didn’t know what that was and no doctor ever told me what was wrong with me. So I went to my doctor and got meds for that too.
I thought I was doing better…and then my husband tried to throw me out. I couldn’t take it. I don’t have a job and have no where to go. He lost his job in August, 2011…went through all of his unemployment…and now we’re sitting here broke…I may even lose my home.
I couldn’t take it anymore…and I have had suicide on my mind for years. So I finally got brave, dumped all of my medications (3) on my bed and took ever one of them, with some sleeping pills. I definitely wanted to die and be done with my miserable life. Unfortunately my son found me and I had about 30 minutes left to live.
I’m trying to embrace life now…I’ve even applied for Social Security disability for mental illness. I just don’t understand why my husband can’t find a job. He was making $22/hr at his job of 15 years. He’s 56 and it’s like no one wants to hire him because he’s too old.
Please, please give me some advice and tell me what to do.
My heart goes out to you. I have learned to Love who I am regardless of my feelings and how I think. Thinking in your case is an anchor tied to fear. Your thinking races in your head with every move in life. Feelings are true vibrations that comes from within. Your feelings will give you clearer direction once you stop thinking. I hear from my peeps not to mix and confuse yourself between the two processes.
By all means at this time in your life, continue to work with your doctor on clearing out the cobbwebs. This will be a long process, but I hear that you will overcome your past and see a better future.
I hear from my peeps to work with affirmations such as – I Feel Great – I Am Healthy – I Love Who I Am – I Can Do Anything – I Am Worthy -etc. There is a little book called – 28 Days to a More Magnetic Life, By Sandra Anne Taylor. If you get the book, it is small enough to keep in your handbag to always have with you. I hear to start and end each day with positive affirmations. Start as early as before getting out of bed and ending before you go to sleep.
I hear to never tell yourself that you are worthless. You should tell yourself – I Am as Worthy as anyone and I Am Worthy in receiving all that the Universe has to offer.
Do some things that you want to do. Let yourself open up to new ideas and trying them. Let your creative thoughts take you places and you will find some joy in life. These are small steps but I hear it is a beginning point. When you are enjoying yourself and your energy is high on life, you will find newness in life that brings and supply’s a new life. This energy will attract more goodness and abundance to you.
Remember to stop over thinking and begin working with your inner feelings. I have to tell you that you have some work ahead of you, but you will be triumphant.
Do What You Love and Love What You Do,
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